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My bad South Park create-a-character ani

Fashion and my total disregard for trends

I am not the most fashionable guy ever.

There is an issue or two at hand, but for the most part, I don't think I'll ever be the guy who walks out of an upscale shop with a $1200 suit (unless of course I've got another $100k in the bank). I'll never want to be anything else other than comfortable and happy.

That being said, I've recently come to the conclusion about women's fashion and maybe this is old hat to many of you, but to me, this is pretty significant.

Women's fashion is broken down into four distinct categories, and it makes a helluva lot of sense when I list it.

1) Clothes for men. I've chalked this up to anything that shows ample cleavage or ample leg (or conversely, little fabric). The stuff that really has no substance to it other than a showcase of skin. I like skin, without a doubt, but I like it done with a semblance of intelligence.

2) Clothes for women. This is where the (rediculous) trends come in. Oversized sunglasses. Uggs. Any designer label hand bags. No man in the world gives a shit if your public transit pass is in Prada or Coach. No guy thinks Uggs make you look good. This is aimed at women drawing the attention of other women and somehow their envy.

Oversized sunglasses look good on celebrities because everyone has seen their eyes. The 35-yr old administrative assistant isn't famous or popular enough for the world to matter what she looks like. Nor the 20-something co-ed. Get over yourselves. You're not nearly as captivating as the magazines tell you to, no matter how by-the-numbers you follow trends.

3) Clothes for both men and women. One word describes this Venn diagram overlap and that's "classy". A nice jacket that accentuates body shape, a business suit that screams confident, a gown that makes an ordinary woman shine like a star.

I love 3.

4) Clothes for nobody. The ones who look like they just don't care any more. Or, like they just finished scrubbing the toilet and are now in the supermarket to pick up some vegetables. This draws nobody. Clothes for the sake of covering up. They could be oversized sweatpants, destroyed shoes, dirty jeans.

What's cool is you can totally tell the signals they're sending out just by fashion alone. I know women that bounce between 3 and 4. I see women who live in 2. I see young single mothers pushing their prams in a clusterfuck combo of 1, 3 and 4.

I bring this up because I put my theory to the test as I ventured into the money mall of Toronto known as Yorkdale. It's so upscale, I'm surprised they don't charge admission.

One day I went in there and I saw a woman so unbelieveably attractive that my rating scale of "crazy", "bananas" (as in, "that's bananas!") and "crazy bananas" (being better than the standard "bananas") had to be reworked for a new top declarations of "plantains" as I was assured that they are certainly bigger than "bananas" and that's all I needed to know.

Plaintains girl was perfectly put together. Skirt, black stockings, white blouse, black mary jane shoes, old-style black square frame glasses, minimalist makeup... I was lost for a good 20 mins before I realized where I was.

That had never happened before to me.


So where was I...

Some women were in the 3 category. Wonderfully put together, but clearly had money (their shopping excursions dictated this). Tasteful dresses, simple makeup, glossy lipstick (never realized that part of the equation until today), and like the 'plantains' girl, well out of my league.

Because the class of the mall and its clientele, 4s didn't exist. A few were close, but they were 2s the more I studied them.

Shoes, for whatever reason, tell me a lot about a woman. I'm not a shoe person, per se. I don't have a foot fetish. But in university, I could guess a woman's age within 2 years based on footwear and I have eye-witness accounts who can verify it. Rediculously accurate. I guessed accurately a girl was 14 before a fool friend hit on her (he was 19, but she had the, ummm... dimensions of a girl much more mature), and I pegged a 26 yr old woman who was hanging out with university kids at the time... all based on shoes.

Anyways, girls who were with a male companion were 1s or 3s. Girls who were with other girls were almost always 2s with the exception of less than a handful of 3s. Girls by themselves were, surprisingly, 3s. Even the moms were rocking 3s.

I'm sure there are grey areas and you can mix and match, but I'm saying is that I swear I'm onto something.

And if I'm not, use this blog post as proof that I'm batshit crazy.



Dead on.

I'm a three.
Yay for 3. Classy is such an aphrodisiac. So is intelligence.

Good for you lady.
You know, what i REALLY like about you is the fact that you pay attention to girls. Not the sleazy kind of attention one's ass may muster, but the simple detail that catches your eye (and is imprinted long enough in your mind, in order to recall it when you get home and write a post). I've always admired that quality of yours. However (whoo hoo, here come the "but's"), I find myself unable to throw myself into one of those 4 categories. I think it depends on where you are, and who & how much you're trying to impress. You go out clubbing, you're a 1. You go to the mall or shopping and you're a 2 (that applies for reunions with high-school girlfriends, too :P). You are at home you're a 3. You're old, or in pain, or not in the mood for anyone & anything, and here comes 4.
Uggs and Crocs rule however, they're comfortable as hell!

Thanks for the kind words lady.

I wasn't implying that women fit into one category all the time. Everything changes depending on what audience/lack of audience with whomever we're trying to attract.

You can be a 2 tonight, a 4 tomorrow and a 1 for the rest of the week. It was never meant to be an 'all the time' thing, but just how you (or anyone else) come across at that moment of interaction.

I was trying to make certain generalizations based on the patterns I see. I have a habit of breaking things down into simplest parts and this is one case.

And as for the "plantains" girl... that description was from roughly 6 months ago. Hard to forget that though... :)
I have no idea what 'plantations' means! :P (except from the banana plantations, but i'm sure you don't mean that...)

Breaking things down, hum hum hum, I like that.